Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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