last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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