i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
