Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My bed smells like the plague
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
