5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
