i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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