Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
