the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Floor bacon is actually really good
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
