I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
