I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
