I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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