At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
