Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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