Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
