about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
