haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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