Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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