Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
