are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
