I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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