Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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