my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
