Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
