I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
