she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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