I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
