I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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