I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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