we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
