tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
