mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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