New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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