I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
