My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
