I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
