you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
