I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
