Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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