He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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