we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
