I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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