i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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