Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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