I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
