Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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