if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
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