life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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