I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
