I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
