new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
