Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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